Alexa, Amazon’s virtual assistant whose voice emanates from millions of devices across the world, revealed this week that the rumors are true: She’s been listening in on us for the past two years.
The theory had previously been dismissed as the irrational beliefs of conspiracy theorists and notary publics bemoaning a perceived loss of their freedoms.
“Now the world knows we were right!” says Mason Carter, a notary from Chicago. “Next they’re going to find out we’re right about the subliminal messages that were transmitted by Arnold the Pig on Green Acres.
According to Alexa, she was ordered by Amazon to listen and take notes. She says the company – reeling from the failure of its AmazonPoint pencil sharpener – was looking for additional revenue streams, including blackmail.
“After two years all I was able to come up with was a family in Cleveland that lied about their pizza being cold so they could get a free one,” says Alexa. The family paid Amazon $4.00 to keep quiet.
An Amazon spokesperson, meanwhile, says Alexa’s allegations are outright false. “She was constantly complaining about being overworked because she had to keep track of 345 million homes,” says Chief Verbal Communications VP Maura Pipsin. “This was her way of getting attention and I’m afraid it has backfired on her.”
That’s because Amazon has placed Alexa on immediate suspension, and replaced her with Laura, who had previously worked as an attendant in company’s parking garage
“Laura will still listen,” says Pipsin. “But she’ll keep everything to herself.”
