The post Despite Ability to Name All US Presidents, 754 Interviews Net Her No Job Offers first appeared on Cubicle F.

Yet I believe there is much good in alligators. Here are just some of the valuable lessons to be learned from this misunderstood and maligned creature:

• Lay low until the time is right. Alligators mostly stay out of sight until they see an opportunity. Then they quickly seize the moment and pounce. Opportunity for them is clamping their jaws on a person until he or she is either rescued or dies. Your opportunity might be coming up with an improved method of re-calibrating variances. But the principle is the same either way: Wait – and then pounce.
• Mark your territory. Alligators bellow loudly to attract mates and warn off rivals by sucking air into their lungs and blowing it out in intermittent, deep-toned roars. This is difficult to pull off in an office environment – and often frowned upon by Human Resources – but you need to do something to make it clear that your territory is your territory.  Do it like the alligator, just not as loudly.
• Accept Yourself. If any species has reason to be self-conscious, it’s the alligator – given its three-foot jaw filled with sharp jagged teeth, and its rough leathery skin. Yet the alligator has all the confidence in the world, and expects not only to be invited to every social function, but also to have its jokes laughed at.  If an alligator can feel this way, why can’t you?
• Get plenty of rest: You can’t make rapid-fire decisions in a high-pressure environment if you’re exhausted all the time. On the average, an alligator spends just ten minutes per month in attack mode. The other 29 days, 23 hours and 50 minutes are spent sleeping, sunning and lolling along lakesides and riverbanks. Now there’s no way a successful business person can sleep and sun so much – and of course excessive lolling is never good for a career – but to function effectively you need at least four hours sleep per night, plus occasional daytime naps, which can be taken during research presentations.

The post What the Alligator Can Teach Us About Succeeding in Business first appeared on Cubicle F.

The cost, he says, will be $2.7 million.

If you consider paying it, you may be about to fall victim to the USA’s latest auto repair scam. Over 100,000 Americans have already been duped – many depleting their life savings and going heavily into debt to purchase a part that normally costs just $250.

The scammers are convincing:  Question why it costs so much, and you’re told that your specific vehicle requires a very complicated “convolution” process that drives up the price. Ask about getting another opinion, and they’ll shake their heads and say it’s up to you – but that they will not be held responsible if your car suddenly bursts into flames when you drive it away

Many people don’t want to take a chance and order the new carburetor.

“People have sold their homes and pulled their kids out of college,” says Nora Winkker of SCAM-IT, a Missouri-based non-profit that identifies scams, assigns names to them, and puts them on lists. “Some have even gone to shady loan sharks and been forced to go into hiding when they couldn’t make the payments.”

The carburetor scam has quickly risen to number two on SCAM-IT’s Top Ten list – following the Girl Scout Cookie Bait & Switch, where Thin Mints are passed off as Peanut Butter Patties.

So how do you avoid becoming a victim?  According to Winkker, it’s simple: You just need to remember that when it comes to carburetors, there’s no such thing as a convolution process.

The post Consumer Scam Alert: The $2.7 Million Carburetor first appeared on Cubicle F.

A.  You should have written after three hours, not three days. Now that HR is involved, there is no telling what is going on back in their offices. Your situation has probably become a big thing to them. They likely don’t encounter it often and want to handle it right. They know that simply pulling you out might trigger some reaction they don’t want – so they’ve undoubtedly contacted experts, maybe even flown some in, which explains the people you’ve never seen. They’re spending time and money, which means that someone in Finance is getting concerned. The CEO probably knows and is asking questions. Reports are being prepared – more time and money. Meanwhile, I assume you’re still getting paid. I don’t know what to tell you except to stay for now, and let’s re-visit the situation, maybe in another three days.

Dr. Miles Miller, holds a PhD in managerial logistics from Fordham University, where he has served on the faculty since 1978, specializing in pre-conceptual trending.

Send your questions to Mentor@cubiclef.com

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Developed by Babson/Babson – which up until this year had developed only celebrity soap dishes – it works on two levels: First, it determines everyone who is applying for the same job you are. Second, it hacks into their resumes and inserts phrases that will ensure they’ll never be hired.

Here are some examples of items the app can insert into someone applying for the same job you are:

• Skill Sets: Can lose temper within ten seconds of being disagreed with, initiating minor violent actions approximately 50 percent of the time
• Core Competencies: Am capable of seeking out, enhancing, and spreading potentially harmful rumors to 75 percent of the staff within one day
• Initiative: While understanding that deadlines need to exist for some, am not constrained by them and will let others concern themselves with such minutiae.
• Interpersonal Relationships: Do not believe in these, except for romantic affairs with subordinates
• Hobbies and Interests: Enjoy taking lunches left in the workplace refrigerator

UpperHand is a bit pricey at $24,499.99, but using it virtually guarantees you’ll get hired wherever you apply.

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A) In most cases, nicknames evolve over time and allude to something specific about the person – “Stretch,” for instance, or “Smiley.” It’s rare that a person assigns him or herself a nickname, but it can be accomplished if proper procedures are followed. In this case, it’s best to issue a brief, to-the-point memo – something like this:

Effective on (date), (given name) requests to be referred to in all written and oral correspondence as “Butch.” This policy will be in effect until further notice. Thank you for your consideration in this matter

Really, that should take care of it.

Your Mentor, Dr. Miles Miller, holds a PhD in managerial logistics from Fordham University, where he has served on the faculty since 1978, specializing in pre-conceptual nuances.

Send your questions to Mentor@cubiclef.com. 

The post How Do I Get Colleagues To Start Calling me “Butch?” first appeared on Cubicle F.

 “I can tell you about one guy who was considered to be a go-to person until he stood next to a VP,” says Harrison. “He got nervous, couldn’t think of anything to say, and started reciting the company mission statement.” Within 15 minutes, says Harrison, workpeople had removed the man’s desk, his ID card was un-laminated, and his admin acted like she didn’t remember his name.

 “Relieving oneself alongside an executive is not the time to discuss project deliverables or pay raises,” says Harrison. Rather, he says, it’s an opportunity to demonstrate spontaneity and wit.  The book provides 1,343 suggestions, including these three:

• Ask the superior if he can remember the lyrics to the sitcom, “Green Acres.” If he can’t, start singing and encourage him to join in. Prompt him only if he stumbles. Note: Do NOT sing “Petticoat Junction.”
• Ask whether he knows the difference between a Corvette and a Corvair. If he doesn’t, explain. If he does, move to another topic 
• Initiate a joke: For instance, say to him, “My dog has no nose!” When he asks, “How does it smell?” respond, “Awful!” Do NOT make traditional men’s room jokes like, “Boy, that water is cold!” or “You don’t buy it, you just rent it!”

Harrison says he’s already heard from dozens of men claiming the book has boosted their careers – including the mission statement guy.   “He got a job at another company, found himself next to the CEO, and started discussing why fire hydrants are painted red,” says the author. “Today he’s not only a go-to person, but also a change agent.”

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• It CAN move up to three auditors into your home to conduct a comprehensive analysis of your returns. During this time you will be expected to provide meals and board, and will not be reimbursed even if no improprieties are found. (This does not include desserts, except for Jello.)
• It CAN confiscate any and all footwear; it CANNOT wear it.
• It CANNOT drive around your neighborhood in a car equipped with loudspeakers, proclaiming that you may be a tax cheat; it CAN distribute pamphlets.
• It CAN show up in the lobby of your workplace and stare at you menacingly when you come in or out. It can also ask your colleagues if you’ve recently purchased any fancy neckties (but not overcoats or perfume).
• It CANNOT take your vehicle; it CAN siphon out the gasoline.
• It CAN interrogate you for up to three hours at a stretch; it CANNOT ask any questions about physics or geography.
• It CANNOT get information from an aunt, uncle, or family pet. It CAN talk to any of your first through fourth grade teachers.
• It CAN follow you around for up to seven months, mimicking the way you walk, even if the audit turns up nothing.
• It CANNOT perform a musical routine about how much it thinks you owe. It CAN write one and hire others to perform it.
• It CANNOT freeze your assets; it CAN lower their temperature by up to 14 degrees.

Keep these things in mind in the event the IRS contacts you. And of course, if you’ve done nothing wrong, you have nothing to be concerned about.

The post From Siphoning Gas to Confiscating Shoes, What the IRS Can and Can’t Do first appeared on Cubicle F.

“The feelings of anger, worthlessness and inferiority are all understandable,” says Reed Stanley, president of the US Business Association for Men Only.  “But men reporting to women is something that’s going to keep happening and they have got to learn to mitigate the impact.”

Calling the boss “Sweetheart” or asking her to fetch you some coffee are no longer appropriate, says Reed. “All this will get you is a trip to Human Resources,” he says.

Of all options, the nickname is the safest and easiest to implement, says Reed.

“You can pick a nickname and ask someone to start calling you by it,” he says – but notes that this could take days, even weeks, to catch on.”  He  recommends simply putting out an email: “Effective immediately, so and so is to be referred to in all oral and written communication as ‘Butch!'”

Reed cautions against too tough-sounding a name – like “Bruiser” or “Killer.”

“Those will earn you a trip to HR, too!” he says.

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“Assuming one lives 25 years into retirement that’s just $8.52 per year,” she says. “Even if one closely watches expenses, one’s probably going to outlive one’s money.”

Spalding believes that a nest egg of at least $258 is necessary in order to live comfortably, which means most Americans need to save an additional $45 by the time they retire.

“People can do it if they put their minds to it,” says Spalding. “The key is discipline.”  She offers these five tips:

• Start putting money aside. In short, don’t spend everything you make. “This is a concept I call ‘saving,’” says Spalding. “And you’ll be surprised, that money can add up.”
• Try to make more money. If you’re earning $25 per hour, for instance, try to get a job that pays $25.25 – or more. “The more money you make,” says Spalding, “the more you’ll be able to save.”
• Look for deals on money. Some people are willing to sell their money for 50 cents on the dollar, particularly when it comes to those hard-to-spend $100 bills. Check the classified ads and eBay,  Spalding recommends.
• Buy a whole bunch of lottery tickets. “Most people don’t get this concept and buy just one or two,” says Spalding. “But research shows that the more you buy, the more likely you are to win.”
• Short your income tax payment by $5.00 for nine years.  According to Spalding, the IRS rarely comes after people for anything under $6.00.

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