A) An office coffee club is much like organized crime. Once you’re in, you’re in. You don’t get out until they say you’re out. And working from home won’t change that.

When people even try to quit, it usually doesn’t turn out well for them – so consider yourself fortunate…so far.  One man in Missouri asked about leaving, and two days later he was arrested for stealing his neighbor’s French Horn. Though there was no evidence, he was convicted and served six years.  A woman from Moline who wrote a resignation note was supposed to meet her husband for dinner that same night. She never showed up, and he didn’t hear from her until four years later when she called him from Paris, where she’d gotten a chorus job with the Folies Bergere.  The list goes on.

Our advice: Keep paying the dues. Nothing says you have to drink the coffee.

Your Mentor, Dr. Miles Miller, holds a PhD in managerial logistics from Fordham University, where he has served on the faculty since 1978, specializing in pre-conceptualizations.

Send your questions to Mentor@cubiclef.com.

The post Once You’re in the Coffee Club, You’re Always in the Coffee Club first appeared on Cubicle F.

While memorizing mission statements and stepping outside of comfort zones were popular in the early 2010s, more US workers are turning to the “yank the tablecloth off the table” trick. That’s where you suddenly stand up during a fancy business function and surprise everyone by pulling off the cloth – and leaving the china, silverware and glasses in place.

Nora Wilkerson, a marketing executive in Nashville who credits her last two promotions to her mastery of the trick, says she’s gotten it down to a science.

“I’ll call everyone to attention and propose a toast to our host,” she says. “When everyone has raised their glass I simply grab and yank.” Obviously, she says, the objective is to do the trick without breaking anything. Wilkerson claims to have accomplished this 171 times, with only one failure.

“That got me sent to the Ashtabula office for a couple years,” she says, “but overall the strategy has worked very well for me.”

According to business behaviorist Dr. Noel Parmentier of the Balicom Institute, 65 percent of US workers promoted in 2024 had employed the trick at least once.  “It’s all about innovation and risk taking,” he says. “And of course, not breaking anything.”

Wilkerson stresses that one should complete five successful practice yanks in a row before attempting the trick at a business function.

“If you fail more than twice at an actual event,” she says, “then it’s probably a good idea to re-think your strategy.”

The post Yanking off the Tablecloth: A Sure-Fire Way to Impress the Boss first appeared on Cubicle F.

• Copying Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin on emails that contain confidential information  No matter what the information is, there is no reason that Mr. Putin needs to have it. Even if one of his people tells you he should be copied – even if he does so himself – don’t copy him.
• Attaching a photo of your mother to business correspondence While this practice is becoming more and more common among practitioners of Scientology, it is not yet acceptable in the corporate world. Ask yourself: “Does a photo of my mother have anything to do with this business matter?” If it doesn’t, the best bet is not to attach it.
• Signing off with the sunglasses-wearing smiley face 😎 .  This emoticon has been officially banned by the Emoticon Acceptability Association, owing to its misuse by a group of North Dakota stock traders. However, the mandate has not been well-publicized, so many up and comers have found themselves wondering why they’re suddenly out of a job. Best to use one of the 1,455,445 other approved emoticons.
• Including the weights of attendees in meeting invitations  Most people do not want their weight publicized, and even if someone did this isn’t the proper platform.  Wrong:  Also attending will be Jim Perkins (223 pounds), Janice Means (118 pounds) and Theresa Putnick (136 pounds).  Right: Also attending will be Jim Perkins, Janice Means, and Theresa Putnick.
• Expecting a response in less than 30 seconds – and, when not getting it, showing up in the office of the recipient with eyes glaring and fists clenched, demanding that he or she read your message immediately or there will be “consequences.”  This is a very serious action, and should not be taken unless it has been at least ten minutes since the email was sent.

The post CC’ing Putin and Other E-Mail Mistakes That Can Ruin Careers first appeared on Cubicle F.

The cost, he says, will be $2.7 million.

If you consider paying it, you may be about to fall victim to the USA’s latest auto repair scam. Over 100,000 Americans have already been duped – many depleting their life savings and going heavily into debt to purchase a part that normally costs just $250.

The scammers are convincing:  Question why it costs so much, and you’re told that your specific vehicle requires a very complicated “convolution” process that drives up the price. Ask about getting another opinion, and they’ll shake their heads and say it’s up to you – but that they will not be held responsible if your car suddenly bursts into flames when you drive it away

Many people don’t want to take a chance and order the new carburetor.

“People have sold their homes and pulled their kids out of college,” says Nora Winkker of SCAM-IT, a Missouri-based non-profit that identifies scams, assigns names to them, and puts them on lists. “Some have even gone to shady loan sharks and been forced to go into hiding when they couldn’t make the payments.”

The carburetor scam has quickly risen to number two on SCAM-IT’s Top Ten list – following the Girl Scout Cookie Bait & Switch, where Thin Mints are passed off as Peanut Butter Patties.

So how do you avoid becoming a victim?  According to Winkker, it’s simple: You just need to remember that when it comes to carburetors, there’s no such thing as a convolution process.

The post Consumer Scam Alert: The $2.7 Million Carburetor first appeared on Cubicle F.

The post Despite Ability to Name All US Presidents, 754 Interviews Net Her No Job Offers first appeared on Cubicle F.

Yet I believe there is much good in alligators. Here are just some of the valuable lessons to be learned from this misunderstood and maligned creature:

• Lay low until the time is right. Alligators mostly stay out of sight until they see an opportunity. Then they quickly seize the moment and pounce. Opportunity for them is clamping their jaws on a person until he or she is either rescued or dies. Your opportunity might be coming up with an improved method of re-calibrating variances. But the principle is the same either way: Wait – and then pounce.
• Mark your territory. Alligators bellow loudly to attract mates and warn off rivals by sucking air into their lungs and blowing it out in intermittent, deep-toned roars. This is difficult to pull off in an office environment – and often frowned upon by Human Resources – but you need to do something to make it clear that your territory is your territory.  Do it like the alligator, just not as loudly.
• Accept Yourself. If any species has reason to be self-conscious, it’s the alligator – given its three-foot jaw filled with sharp jagged teeth, and its rough leathery skin. Yet the alligator has all the confidence in the world, and expects not only to be invited to every social function, but also to have its jokes laughed at.  If an alligator can feel this way, why can’t you?
• Get plenty of rest: You can’t make rapid-fire decisions in a high-pressure environment if you’re exhausted all the time. On the average, an alligator spends just ten minutes per month in attack mode. The other 29 days, 23 hours and 50 minutes are spent sleeping, sunning and lolling along lakesides and riverbanks. Now there’s no way a successful business person can sleep and sun so much – and of course excessive lolling is never good for a career – but to function effectively you need at least four hours sleep per night, plus occasional daytime naps, which can be taken during research presentations.

The post What the Alligator Can Teach Us About Succeeding in Business first appeared on Cubicle F.

“The feelings of anger, worthlessness and inferiority are all understandable,” says Reed Stanley, president of the US Business Association for Men Only.  “But men reporting to women is something that’s going to keep happening and they have got to learn to mitigate the impact.”

Calling the boss “Sweetheart” or asking her to fetch you some coffee are no longer appropriate, says Reed. “All this will get you is a trip to Human Resources,” he says.

Of all options, the nickname is the safest and easiest to implement, says Reed.

“You can pick a nickname and ask someone to start calling you by it,” he says – but notes that this could take days, even weeks, to catch on.  He  recommends simply putting out an email: “Effective immediately, so and so is to be referred to in all oral and written communication as ‘Butch!'”

Reed cautions against too tough-sounding a name – like “Bruiser” or “Killer.”

“Those will earn you a trip to HR, too!” he says.

The post Men With Female Bosses Advised to Adopt Tough-Sounding Nicknames first appeared on Cubicle F.

A.  You should have written after three hours, not three days. Now that HR is involved, there is no telling what is going on back in their offices. Your situation has probably become a big thing to them. They likely don’t encounter it often and want to handle it right. They know that simply pulling you out might trigger some reaction they don’t want – so they’ve undoubtedly contacted experts, maybe even flown some in, which explains the people you’ve never seen. They’re spending time and money, which means that someone in Finance is getting concerned. The CEO probably knows and is asking questions. Reports are being prepared – more time and money. Meanwhile, I assume you’re still getting paid. I don’t know what to tell you except to stay for now, and let’s re-visit the situation, maybe in another three days.

Dr. Miles Miller, holds a PhD in managerial logistics from Fordham University, where he has served on the faculty since 1978, specializing in pre-conceptual trending.

Send your questions to Mentor@cubiclef.com

The post Clerk Hiding Under Desk Wonders When it’s Time to Come Out first appeared on Cubicle F.

Developed by Babson/Babson – which up until this year had developed only celebrity soap dishes – it works on two levels: First, it determines everyone who is applying for the same job you are. Second, it hacks into their resumes and inserts phrases that will ensure they’ll never be hired.

Here are some examples of items the app can insert into someone applying for the same job you are:

• Skill Sets: Can lose temper within ten seconds of being disagreed with, initiating minor violent actions approximately 50 percent of the time
• Core Competencies: Am capable of seeking out, enhancing, and spreading potentially harmful rumors to 75 percent of the staff within one day
• Initiative: While understanding that deadlines need to exist for some, am not constrained by them and will let others concern themselves with such minutiae.
• Interpersonal Relationships: Do not believe in these, except for romantic affairs with subordinates
• Hobbies and Interests: Enjoy taking lunches left in the workplace refrigerator

UpperHand is a bit pricey at $24,499.99, but using it virtually guarantees you’ll get hired wherever you apply.

The post New Phone App Inserts Bad Things into Competitors’ Resumes first appeared on Cubicle F.

A) In most cases, nicknames evolve over time and allude to something specific about the person – “Stretch,” for instance, or “Smiley.” It’s rare that a person assigns him or herself a nickname, but it can be accomplished if proper procedures are followed. In this case, it’s best to issue a brief, to-the-point memo – something like this:

Effective on (date), (given name) requests to be referred to in all written and oral correspondence as “Butch.” This policy will be in effect until further notice. Thank you for your consideration in this matter

Really, that should take care of it.

Your Mentor, Dr. Miles Miller, holds a PhD in managerial logistics from Fordham University, where he has served on the faculty since 1978, specializing in pre-conceptual nuances.

Send your questions to Mentor@cubiclef.com. 

The post How Do I Get Colleagues To Start Calling me “Butch?” first appeared on Cubicle F.