Here’s why: Statistics show that 17,244,234,098 A-Ha! moments occurred in 2023, often as many as seven or eight during a single one-hour meeting. That’s up 80 percent since 2015, mainly due to increased competition for fewer good jobs.

Thus, it’s becoming more and more difficult to be heard when shouting “A-Ha!” – particularly for aging workers who get drowned out by younger people. The app amplifies the “A-Ha!” so it can be heard.

Developed by Glomish, makers of Notary-in-a-Can, the quarter-inch speaker is built into a pen placed in the breast pocket, with a miniature microphone that slides invisibly into either nostril. The device increases A-Ha! volume by an average of 17 decibels and can be cranked up to as high as 35 in especially noisy environments.

“I had 78 A-Ha! Moments in 2023,” says Paul, a 62 year-old pre-planner from Portland, Oregon. “I don’t think my boss heard one of them.”

That all changed when he bought A-Ha!

“The first time I used it I got three thumbs-up!” says Paul. “I drowned out a woman in her 20s who was having a moment about toothpicks.” A month later Paul found himself promoted to senior pre-planner.

“I don’t believe that’s a coincidence,” he says.

The post Pocket Amplifier Guarantees Every “A-Ha!” Moment” is Heard Loud and Clear first appeared on Cubicle F.

“We believe in having fun,” said Merit-Weiss HR Director Molly Turner, “but employees must be held accountable for the behavior of their pets.”

Twenty-five employees participated in the event. During lunch, the dogs – which ranged from Chihuahuas to a Great Dane – promenaded through the cafeteria so employees could vote on Most Industrious, Most Likely to Achieve Goals and other categories. The animals also received a personal “meet and greet” with CEO Harry Renaud.

“Most of the dogs were quite appreciative,” said Turner.

But when Winkler presented her poodle, Daisy, the dog promptly lifted its leg and relieved itself on  Renaud’s shoes. As employees started to giggle, the CEO stormed out of the room, with his six VPs quickly following, and issued a layoff notice twenty minutes later.  At the top of the list was Turner

“A CEO who’s seen getting peed on needs to reassert his authority,” said Turner. “That’s why Mr. Renaud took immediate action.”

Winkler protested that Daisy was just nervous about meeting the boss. “He didn’t mean anything by it,” she told the security guards who led her from the building.

In the secret ballot, meanwhile, Daisy was elected Most.

The post Poodle’s Behavior at “Take Your Dog to Work Day” Gets its Owner Terminated first appeared on Cubicle F.

Well, I’m happy to note that out of 26 people in the department, all 26 immediately signed up and paid their dues. But it’s a bittersweet happiness, because for the past week unusual things have been happening:  Someone has been pouring out my coffee whenever I’m away from my desk and replacing it with different coffee, which I can tell, and I keep getting text messages from someone named Glenn telling me I should consider wearing bigger shoes. Also, a couple times when I started my car I thought I heard a muffled explosion under the hood.

Other than these three things, however, everyone’s acting just the same toward me as they always have – but do you think these things could be related to the fan club, maybe because people think I’m a suck-up?

A) I can tell you with certainty that none of this is related to your starting the fan club and that nobody thinks you’re a suck-up. In 2019 – the last year for which data is available – 254,000 employees of US businesses organized fan clubs for their bosses. In almost every instance, the organizers’ colleagues welcomed the opportunity to pay tribute to the boss.  Only one person, a vegetable statistician from Newark, Ohio, reported a possible adverse reaction from her colleagues: She was drugged, packed in a crate, and shipped to San Diego – though there’s no proof this was related to her starting the fan club.

Dr. Miles Miller, holds a PhD in managerial logistics from Billings-Porth University, where he has served on the faculty since 1988, specializing in conceptual trending.

The post Does Starting a Fan Club for My Boss Make Me Look Like a Suck-Up? first appeared on Cubicle F.

They did as instructed, and within three hours addendum 41(2)b was introduced to great acclaim. Watson was so pleased that he instructed the two keep their heads together until they developed at least ten additional addendum.  

That process took three more days, and now McDougall and Evanston can’t get their heads back apart.    

“We’ve consulted a number of different doctors,” says Evanston, “but other than one of them telling us to try prune oil, nothing so far has worked and it’s getting tougher and tougher.”

”Luckily we get along pretty well,” says McDougall.  This is essential, of course, because the two must obviously spend 24 hours a day together – managing not only work projects but also eating, bathing, sleeping and dressing.

“And forget about dating!” says the recently divorced Evanston.

Dr. Halley Sellson, an expert on workplace directives at the Taladon Institute, believes the two should consider legal action.

 “When a superior issues an order it is incumbent upon them to be aware of potential consequences,” she says. “Forcing heads together for extended periods of time is never going end well.”  

The post Told to Put Their Heads Together, Two Analysts Now Can’t Get Them Apart first appeared on Cubicle F.

Says analyst Max Torrey:  “I go up to people, put one hand on their left shoulder, take their right hand and ask, ‘Is all OK?’”

When CEO Gabriel Portnoy arrived at the company in 2022, hopes were high. He had successfully run two other genistics firms – but during his first year at Lamernoy he made some major missteps, including removing sunflower seeds from the cafeteria menu and cutting salaries by 33 percent.  .

“People avoided looking at him,” says one marketing employee. “If he got on an elevator they’d try to get off.”

Meanwhile, he observed how popular Torrey was with his colleagues. He directed two VPs to look into the matter, and they reported it was likely due to the way he greeted his fellow co-workers.  Portnoy directed that they get some video of the greeting – and after studying it he decided to start using it himself.

At first, Torrey took this as a compliment.  “What do they say about imitation and flattery?” he asks.  But when Portnoy asked him to find another greeting – offering  the “fake point and gun click” or the “thumbs up” sign as replacements – Torrey refused. 

An HR representative then informed him that since he’d created the greeting on company time, it technically belonged to the company.  Torrey hired a lawyer.  

He is still using  the greeting, as is Portnoy, and come December 15 a judge in Wisconsin’s 17th Circuit Court will decide who gets to continue.

The post Wisconsin CEO Sued After Appropriating Staffer’s Signature Greeting for Himself first appeared on Cubicle F.

The situation has created an opportunity for Prattman Inc., the USA’s largest manufacturer of chopping blocks. As recently as 2008, the company was making only about 15,000 a year, compared to 17.5 million today.

“If a chopping block in the mid 90s could accommodate five heads it was considered state of the art,” says Prattman CEO Monique Williker. “Today if it doesn’t hold 35 there’s usually a waiting list to get one’s head onto it.

Most of the company’s business is making standardized models for 20, 30 or 40 heads. However, it has made one that holds just two, for a Cincinnati baker, and one for 10,000, ordered by an intricacies conglomerate Williker refuses to name.

It’s not unusual, says Williker, for companies spend $1 million or more – like  the Touline Group of Toledo, Ohio. Carved from North Carolina Walnut with a zirconite trim, its new chopping block will be unveiled next month at a ceremony for all employees in the company’s main lobby.

“Updating your chopping block scenario sends a message to both shareholders and employees that your company can adapt to change,” says Williker. “That’s good for your image and good for morale.”

The post As Number of Heads on Them Increase, Production of Chopping Blocks Soars first appeared on Cubicle F.

But suddenly, everything stopped — no calls, no emails.  Carla – who’s worked for Denver’s Allmont-Weems for nearly 20 years – quickly figured out why.

“Awhile ago I was in a meeting and things got heated,” she says. “I accidentally said, ‘Don’t blow the panic whistle!’ Of course, I meant ‘Don’t push the panic button!’ But before I could correct myself everybody started laughing. Everybody except one guy…”

And that’s all it took.

That afternoon she found her name on the National Business Cliche Offenders List, where it will remain for the next two years (It could have been as many as five).

Neil Pattison of the American Hiring Institute, which maintains the list, explains that employers depend on it to weed out potential abusers. “Employers can’t risk hiring people who don’t know them,” he says.  “If they don’t know their cliches, what else don’t they know?”

In Ms. Millington’s case, she believes she was reported by the guy who didn’t laugh,  probably trying to get off the list himself, since the Hiring Institute reduces time for those who “name names.”   Indeed, increased competition in the business world has meant more vigilant reporting of offenders – one of the reasons the list has grown by ten percent each of the past three years.

Ms. Millington hopes to get off the list before her time expires.  She’s paying close attention in meetings in hopes of hearing an offense she can report, and spending hours a week studying and practicing proper cliche usage. If her career’s ever going to get back on track, she says, she can’t risk another blunder.

“They really have you between a wall and hard place,” she says.

The post Denver Woman Placed on National Business Cliche Offenders List for Two Years first appeared on Cubicle F.

At Priticom, a Midwest formulation consortium, the company determined in January that it wouldn’t be able to give CEO Martin Groenig his anticipated increase and still provide shareholders with a 76 percent return.

So employees agreed to raise the money themselves. Thanks to their efforts, Groenig will receive a 20 percent raise – taking him from $32.4 million to $38.9.

“It gives you a warm feeling to help a person out,” says Tina Weemson, a financial alterations specialist.  “It was an amazing team effort.”

Weemson organized three department bake sales that raised over $1600. Other activities included car washes, bingo nights, casual clothes days, and a karaoke night at a nearby club that featured only Groenig’s favorite songs.

Employees who were unable to take part in fundraising activities were allowed to take a pay cut of from 4 to 10 percent, or to surrender vacation days.

“Participation was completely optional,” says Priticom spokesperson Melanie Roy. “There was no coercion in any way.”   She says that Groenig is receiving a list of everyone who donated so he can send them individualized thank-you notes. “He has always been a person who cares about his employees.”

“I’m proud of our accomplishment,” says employee Weemson, who concedes that the only time she’s ever seen Groenig was when his limo pulled alongside her Ford Fiesta.  “He nodded to me,” she says.

“And let’s not loose sight of the fact that Mr. Groenig is making a sacrifice, too,” says Roy. “Last year he got 25 percent.”

The post SUCCESS! Employees Celebrate Raising Funds to Give CEO 20% Raise first appeared on Cubicle F.

“Ten years ago new hirees were bringing two things to the table, three tops,” says Thom Wellman, a statistician for Flint Savings of Cleveland who monitors the situation for his employer. “Today, the typical candidate brings an average of 7.5 things.”

In many cases, companies are purchasing new tables, spending an estimated $1.4 Billion in 2024. Others have been building additions to current tables, more economical but usually not as effective.

“Our table is five times the size of the one we bought in 2006,” says Wellman.  He says it’s no longer feasible to expand it, and that if the trend continues the company is actually considering buying two tables as soon as mid 2027.

The post As Gen Xers Bring More to the Table, Bigger Tables Needed first appeared on Cubicle F.

“A person who has no enemies,” says Morton Cornacki of the Breddow Insistute, “is a person who has too many friends.”

He says that prospective employers look favorably on the existence of at least five enemies, and will likely ask how many you have in each of the following categories:

• Natural Enemy. This is someone who has cut you off in a meeting at least five times – or who stole your man or woman, or scratched your car door with a shopping cart.       You could theoretically have lunch or attend a brainstorming session with a natural enemy, but would probably not exchange holiday gifts.

• Sworn Enemy. This relationship is more strained, and is usually marked by dirty looks and sneers when passing in the hallway. Something of significance needs to have happened: Questioning your prioritizing of guidelines to the boss, for instance, or calling you “the fattest accountant on record.” To have a sworn enemy, you must actually swear that the person is your enemy – and this requires getting the appropriate affidavit signed and notarized.

• Mortal Enemy. A mortal enemy is not a good enemy. Something very sinister is usually involved: His or her questioning whether you are truly working 24/7 or giving 110%, or breaking into your house and turning off your alarm clock.  There is also much more paperwork.

• Arch Enemy. This is the worst of all possible enemies, like Lex Luther is to Superman or the gekko is the pouch crab. Your arch enemy is someone who would have you beat up – or who you would have beat up – provided this could be accomplished without negatively impacting your inclusion in task force assignments. The good news: You can’t have more than one arch enemy – and if you do have one, most companies don’t expect you to have any in the lesser categories.

The post No Enemies? Forget About Ever Finding That Dream Job… first appeared on Cubicle F.