Q) I just got a new job as head coach of the Detroit Lions. Any suggestions on how to get off on the right foot?
A) All you need to do is come up with a foolproof plan to fulfill the hopes and dreams of millions. Here are a few business principles you might apply to ensure success:
- Think like your bosses. Immediately trade your 2nd round pick for Green Bay’s 3rd round pick. The Lions really stink in the 2nd round, but they do much better in the 3rd round.
- Be a risk taker! Take that stupid kitten off of the Lions’ helmet and start using the throwback uniforms. The Lions haven’t been the same since they dumped their classy silver helmet in 1962 and put a kitten up there. Lots of teams have gotten to Super Bowls by improving their helmets (New England, Tampa, St. Louis). Why not the Lions?
- Network effectively. Start a support group with coaches of other downtrodden franchises like the Chicago Cubs, the Toronto Maple Leafs and any team from Cleveland. This will help you understand what you’re up against.
- Know your environment. When you win the coin toss at home games, don’t take the wind.
- Leverage your success. At some point, you’ll probably win three in a row. That kind of unprecedented success will give you a chance to demand a long-term contract worth 100 million dollars. Cash in before the next kickoff!
And good luck! Remember that we’re all behind you, wondering why you’d ever take this job!
Workplace Behaviorist Dr. Miles Rumphley answers your career questions. He reserves the right to embellish and totally fabricate questions and answers.
