While there are currently 12,342 iPhone apps that allow you to continually update your own resume – anything from a job change to the strategic addition of the latest buzzwords like “petrepreneur” – UpperHand enables you to update the resumes of your competitors.
Developed by Babson/Babson – which up until this year had developed only celebrity soap dishes – it works on two levels: First, it determines everyone who is applying for the same job you are. Second, it hacks into their resumes and inserts phrases that will ensure they’ll never be hired.
Here are some examples of items the app can insert into someone applying for the same job you are:
- Skill Sets: Can lose temper within ten seconds of being disagreed with, initiating minor violent actions approximately 50 percent of the time
- Core Competencies: Am capable of seeking out, enhancing, and spreading potentially harmful rumors to 75 percent of the staff within one day
- Initiative: While understanding that deadlines need to exist for some, am not constrained by them and will let others concern themselves with such minutiae.
- Interpersonal Relationships: Do not believe in these, except for romantic affairs with subordinates
- Hobbies and Interests: Enjoy taking lunches left in the workplace refrigerator
UpperHand is a bit pricey at $24,499.99, but using it virtually guarantees you’ll get hired wherever you apply.
