The North Pole announced Friday that Federal Express will take over Christmas Eve gift delivery starting in 2017.
“We understand about Santa Claus, the tradition and all that,” says North Pole spokesperson Caitlyn Gingley, “But we also owe our shareholders a solid return on their investments.” North Pole stock shares have fallen 7.8 points since 2014, with outdated technology a key concern among investors.
Gingley says that delivery in a reindeer-pulled sleigh no longer makes sense, citing a number of reasons:
- There are now over 1.3 billion households in the world, simply too many for one person on one night. Even 1.2 billion was stretching it.
- The reindeer Donder, who has the most seniority, has been balking over signing another contract unless he gets billing ahead of Dasher. He has retained an attorney, and if he doesn’t re-sign it is unlikely a replacement can be trained by December.
- As a man over 60, it is necessary for Santa Claus to take more restroom breaks than he used to. This Christmas, a five year-old Helsinki boy walked in on him.
Gingley is confident the world will eventually accept the new delivery model.
“For years the TV show ‘My Three Sons’ was sponsored by Hunts Ketchup,” she says. “When it switched to Kellogg’s cereal there was an enormous outcry at first, but after less than a year it settled down.”
If people can get used to that, she says, they can get used to anything.
