“Our first three months in business we averaged 12 customers a night,” says eatery owner Tammy Brents. “Today that number is over 17.”  She believes the increase is because more and more diners are becoming wary of ingredients.

“When people gain weight or feel nauseous after eating, it’s almost always attributable to the ingredients in their food,” she says. “By preparing our meals entirely without ingredients we eliminate these risks and keep our customers healthy.”

Says one customer, Lena Dillman of Ann Arbor:  “At last I’ve found a guilt-free dining experience.”  The 37 year-old habitat analyst has eaten at Montie’s six times since it opened, and says she’s lost nearly two pounds.   “I also have an easier time remembering song lyrics,” she says, “especially ones by the Beach Boys.”

Other Detroit restaurants have been offering limited ingredients-free fare since the early 2010s, but Montie’s is the first to devote its entire menu to the format – including house specialties like ingredients-free pasta primavera and ingredients-free double Dutch chocolate cake.

“We believe that today’s diner is looking for atmosphere, presentation and healthfulness,” Brent says. “Whether or not their food has ingredients is really secondary.”

The post Ingredients-Free Menu Makes for Healthier Dining Experience first appeared on Cubicle F.

Vice President Joe Pillster was leading the presentation for his long-time employer, the Plowman Group, which was vying to represent parsley-based soft drink maker Meemo. The account is worth $18 million a year.

Also going after Meemo was rival firm UpSteve – which, according to the FBI, bribed Pillster $50,000 and a year’s supply of cinnamon products to deliberately throw the presentation so it would get the account instead.

“I knew something was up as soon as he started,” says a Plowman colleague who attended. “Instead of the flashy power point he always uses, he passed out loose-leaf pages with drawings of stickmen, and sang an off-key song about picking parsley.”

Then he began the presentation. “Is there anything more ridiculous than parsley soda?” he asked, to gasps from the already-puzzled audience.

At that point four FBI agents burst into the room, stopped the presentation, and explained what was going on to the Plowman and Meemo staffs – and also to ten high school students from the “Ad Folks of the Future” club who were there to observe.

While the FBI didn’t divulge how it found out about Joe Pillster, a source says that the UpSteve employee who’d delivered the bribe money experienced some kind of “vision” and tipped them off.

After he was handcuffed, the agents led Pillster out of the hushed conference room. When they were about to exit, one of the students stood up, with tears in his eyes.

“Say it ain’t so, Joe,” he said. “Say it ain’t so.”

The post FBI: Ad Exec Took Bribe to Throw Pitch to Potential Client first appeared on Cubicle F.

The situation has created an opportunity for Prattman Inc., the USA’s largest manufacturer of chopping blocks. As recently as 2008, the company was making only about 15,000 a year, compared to 17.5 million today.

“If a chopping block in the mid 90s could accommodate five heads it was considered state of the art,” says Prattman CEO Monique Williker. “Today if it doesn’t hold 35 there’s usually a waiting list to get one’s head onto it.”

Most of the company’s business is making standardized models for 20, 30 or 40 heads. However, it has made one that holds just two, for a Cincinnati baker, and one for 10,000, ordered by an intricacies conglomerate Williker refuses to name.

It’s not unusual, says Williker, for companies to spend $1 million or more on a chopping block  – like one for the Touline Group of Toledo, Ohio. Carved from North Carolina Walnut with a zirconite trim, it will be unveiled next month at a ceremony for all employees in the company’s main lobby.

“Updating your chopping block scenario sends a message to both shareholders and employees that your company can adapt to change,” says Williker. “That’s good for your image and good for morale.”

The post As Number of Heads on Them Grows, Production of Chopping Blocks Soars first appeared on Cubicle F.

On September 15, the American Packaging Institute certified the hard plastic cover on P & W’s Aunt Annie’s Twin Flashlights as Guaranteed Un-Openable – based on the fact that nobody has been able to get at the flashlights since they were introduced in June of 2023.

Companies across the globe have spent billions trying to reach this two-year milestone, the point at which a package is certified un-openable. They’ve utilized increasingly thicker layers of plastic, solid zinc fasteners, Alabama-based gluing compounds, and more. The average American now spends 42.3 days per year trying to open cookies, microwave ovens, and other products.

“More than once we thought we’d make the two years,” says P & W’s CEO Mel Cranston.  “But then some guy in Quincy, Illinois would figure out how to open the pickle forks or ice tongs.”

The best attempt until now was by the Niesenfraus Group of Dusseldorf, Germany, whose package for Whitfield Tea remained un-openable for 23 months and 27 days in 1991. It was just about to be certified when a thirsty resident of Dayton, Ohio managed to pry it open using a four-foot hatchet, beeswax and silicon-based explosives.

Meanwhile, sales for the twin flashlights have risen 35 percent each of the past two years – apparently unaffected by the fact that nobody has yet been able to use one.

The post Finally! Product Packaging That Absolutely Nobody Can Get Open first appeared on Cubicle F.

St. Paul retro-brokers Hollings Inc. launched such a department in late 2018 – though it still hasn’t given it a name for fear of upsetting any of its 21 members, or anyone else.   

“We applaud their deciding that talking is no longer a viable option for them,” says company spokesperson Davis Devan.  “And we are committed to providing them a safe environment and the opportunity to earn a livelihood.”  The group passes its workdays reading, watching television, and performing simple work-related tasks when the need arises. Mainly, they just don’t talk.

The reasons they’ve stopped vary, says Devan. One stock conveyor quit when she was reported to HR for saying she was “in the dog house.”  A decimalist stopped after being reprimanded for offering a doughnut to a colleague who hadn’t asked for one. Many haven’t had any specific issues, but are just scared.

Devan estimates there will be over 100 in the department by the end of 2023. Since Holling employs only 130 in total, this will place added pressure on the other 30.  “Those who utilize the spoken word will become even more essential to our success,” he says.

Accordingly, the company is looking at incentives for its talkers, including extra vacation days, prime parking spots, and complimentary mints – though out of consideration for non-talkers, says Devan, the same benefits will be offered to them as well. 

The post Businesses Designating Departments For Employees Too Afraid to Speak first appeared on Cubicle F.

With BootLicker, users will never wear out their favorite compliments and can bootlick with confidence. Features include:

* Suggestions for flattering phrases – varying ways to say ‘You’re the greatest!’”

* Plotting of the boss’s daily office patterns to allow for “random encounter” opportunities in the hallways

* Compliments for a range of encounters, including short remarks for hallway hellos and more in-depth conversation for staff meetings.

* Comments covering up to 50 different topics – including wardrobe, hairstyle, eyeglasses, and leadership capabilities

The app allows for tracking up to 100 key executives, and new names can be added or deleted with a single click – handy whenever a management shake-up occurs.  And as a bonus feature, BootLicker includes a complete list of comeback lines in case co-workers catch on to the user’s tactics.

GetAheadNow, was in the news just a year ago with the launch of the highly popular Excuse-o-Matic™ app.

The post New App Helps Butt Kissers Kiss Butt Better first appeared on Cubicle F.

Newton had updated its web page an hour earlier to promote its “better mousetrap” – a laser-activated device that emits a high-frequency whistle causing mice to have nervous meltdowns, flee the premises, and go into long-term hiding.

Company officials believe this may have precipitated the stampede.

CEO Tom Newton, great-grandson of founder Edmund Newton, was stunned by the global reaction. “We’ve always built a good mousetrap”, he says, “but we never dreamed that building a better mousetrap would generate this kind of response.”

When they heard the rumbling of the approaching crowd – “It sounded like a freight train,” says Newton – he and his staff ran to the front window. There they saw the swarming crowd: Red and yellow, black and white, with dress styles varying from colorful robes to wooden shoes.  They were pushing, shoving and falling as they frantically beat a path to the door.

The better trap was 12 years in the making, says Newton, with researchers having first experimented with florescent bait, frightening cat pictures, and recordings of Britney Spears.

The post World Beats Path to Mousetrap Factory Door first appeared on Cubicle F.

“While we have enormous respect for people who want to live longer, we also realize there are those who aren’t as concerned,” says Jernican, 37, who recently left her job as a bank identifier to start the farm with high school friend Sanford. “Consumption of doughnuts is growing at twice the rate of sunchoke,” says Jernican. “Consumption of sprinkled doughnuts is growing even more.”

Adds former artifactician Sanford: “The cost of sprinkles has driven dozens of doughnut shops out of business, so our goal is to provide a locally-grown and great-tasting sprinkle at a reasonable price.” The two have vowed not to cut corners, but say they may have to place limits on red sprinkles to keep costs under control. “Research tells us they’re the least popular sprinkle anyhow,” says Sanford,

This will be the city’s first sprinkles farm – though three are growing butterscotch toppings and one grows miniature peanut butter cups – so Jernican and Sanford say they’re counting on local retailers for support.

The post Detroit Urban Farm Growing Doughnut Sprinkles for Artisan Shops first appeared on Cubicle F.

At Priticom, a Midwest formulation consortium, the company determined in January that it wouldn’t be able to give CEO Martin Groenig his anticipated increase and still provide shareholders with a 76 percent return.

So employees agreed to raise the money themselves. Thanks to their efforts, Groenig will receive a 20 percent raise – taking him from $32.4 million to $38.9.

“It gives you a warm feeling to help a person out,” says Tina Weemson, a financial alterations specialist.  “It was an amazing team effort.”

Weemson organized three department bake sales that raised over $1600. Other activities included car washes, bingo nights, casual clothes days, and a karaoke night at a nearby club that featured only Groenig’s favorite songs.

Employees who were unable to take part in fundraising activities were allowed to take a pay cut of from 4 to 10 percent, or to surrender vacation days.

“Participation was completely optional,” says Priticom spokesperson Melanie Roy. “There was no coercion in any way.”   She says that Groenig is receiving a list of everyone who donated so he can send them individualized thank-you notes. “He has always been a person who cares about his employees.”

“I’m proud of our accomplishment,” says employee Weemson, who concedes that the only time she’s ever seen Groenig was when his limo pulled alongside her Ford Fiesta.  “He nodded to me,” she says.

“And let’s not loose sight of the fact that Mr. Groenig is making a sacrifice, too,” says Roy. “Last year he got 25 percent.”

The post SUCCESS! Employees Celebrate Raising Funds to Give CEO 20% Raise first appeared on Cubicle F.

“Many of them are moving onto other jobs,” says Jill Timrod of the Ballter Institute, which tracks employment patterns for town drunks, pipe twisters, and 32 other occuptions.    “Mainly they’re going into government, though mechanical engineering is claiming quite a few.”

Ironically, the shortage is coming at a time when it’s easier than ever to qualify for the position.

“You no longer have to go staggering down Main Street in the middle of the night, singing ‘My Wild Irish Rose’ and getting locked up by the sherriff,” says Timrod.  “Today you can qualify with a blood alcohol content of just 0.6.”

Also, she says it’s no longer necessary to be a disheveled older man, and that many younger women are accepting the positions to help pay for their college degrees.

Given the shortage, some cities have taken to sharing their town drunks, which means they have to split the peak hours of 11 PM to 3 AM between two cities. So unless both have a budget for transportation, it means the drunks have to remain sober in order to drive back and forth.

“That’s not an optimal situation,” says Timrod. “The position may be evolving, but the bottom line is that in order to be effective at the job, a town drunk needs to be at least somewhat drunk.”

The post More Michigan Municipalities Looking to Fill Town Drunk Positions first appeared on Cubicle F.