“It’s a chance for our people to see the different sides of Ms. Rankin,” says HR Director Tom Mosberg.  “Our research team has determined that she has 18 different sides.”

One employee is selected each month by a committee of 17 managers from across the company, who review personnel files and other data before narrowing the field to five finalists.  The five are interviewed, as are their bosses, then asked to submit a 2000 word essay on why they are deserving of the honor.

One staffer is ultimately chosen – and then the preparation begins.  Ten days before the dinner, two HR managers who work full time on the program visit the employees’s home for a preliminary inspection.  They recommend any modifications that need to take place – cleaning, painting, removal of offensive artwork, etc. 

“They’ll come back at least two more times,” says Mosberg, “so that they can go over potential conversational topics, and also impress upon any children the importance of the occasion and what it means to their mom’s or dad’s career.” 

Dinner and wines are provided by Ms. Rankin’s personal chef and sommelier, with the family paying only 50 percent of the cost.

Says accountant Janet Wallsburg, who’s family was visited in March:  “It was an absolutely wonderful experience with the finest in dining and conversation and Ms. Rankin couldn’t have been more genial to me and my family as she showed us her different sides.”  

“Everyone else has been equally effusive!” says Mosberg – with the exception of the January honoree, he acknowledges, who was dismissed two days after the dinner

“That decision was based entirely on performance,” he insists – and not on the fact that the family’s teacup poodle, Tippy, relieved itself on Ms. Rankin’s $4500 Louboutins.

The post Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? For Some Lucky People, it Could be the CEO! first appeared on Cubicle F.

On September 15, the American Packaging Institute certified the hard plastic cover on P & W’s Aunt Annie’s Twin Flashlights as Guaranteed Un-Openable – based on the fact that nobody has been able to get at the flashlights since they were introduced in June of 2023.

Companies across the globe have spent billions trying to reach this two-year milestone, the point at which a package is certified un-openable. They’ve utilized increasingly thicker layers of plastic, solid zinc fasteners, Alabama-based gluing compounds, and more. The average American now spends 42.3 days per year trying to open cookies, microwave ovens, and other products.

“More than once we thought we’d make the two years,” says P & W’s CEO Mel Cranston.  “But then some guy in Quincy, Illinois would figure out how to open the pickle forks or ice tongs.”

The best attempt until now was by the Niesenfraus Group of Dusseldorf, Germany, whose package for Whitfield Tea remained un-openable for 23 months and 27 days in 1991. It was just about to be certified when a thirsty resident of Dayton, Ohio managed to pry it open using a four-foot hatchet, beeswax and silicon-based explosives.

Meanwhile, sales for the twin flashlights have risen 35 percent each of the past two years – apparently unaffected by the fact that nobody has yet been able to use one.

The post Finally! Product Packaging That Absolutely Nobody Can Get Open first appeared on Cubicle F.

As of last April 1, however, the price had dropped to an all-time low of $23.68.

“There are usually external factors you can blame when things like this happen,” says company CFO MaryAnn Plemming.  “In this case, however, we believe the decline was due solely to underperforming staffers who stepped away from the plate.”

Hesitant to terminate any of the staff and lose a combined 12,345 years of experience, on April 15 the company issued the following sanctions – which will remain in place until the January 2023 stock price is reached once again:

• All employee parking spots have been moved to another lot, 1.5 miles away from the office.
• The “Tomato Surprise” – always a favorite in the cafeteria – is no longer a surprise, as its ingredients are now published and displayed at the cash register.
• The annual “Share Your Seasonings at Work” day, usually held in June, is being cancelled. Further, employees must surrender their seasonings until the stock price turns around.
• Women named Judy are not allowed to talk to women named Sally, or to men named George or Austin.
• Every workday, five employees are selected by drawing to stand in the hallway outside the executive offices, with their heads hung in shame.

“We take no pleasure in instituting these measures,” says Plemming, “but we must do what’s necessary for our stockholders, shareholders, stakeholders and all ancillary holders.”

The post Fed Up With an Underperforming Staff, Ohio Firm Imposes Sanctions first appeared on Cubicle F.

Newton had updated its web page an hour earlier to promote its “better mousetrap” – a laser-activated device that emits a high-frequency whistle causing mice to have nervous meltdowns, flee the premises, and go into long-term hiding.

Company officials believe this may have precipitated the stampede.

CEO Tom Newton, great-grandson of founder Edmund Newton, was stunned by the global reaction. “We’ve always built a good mousetrap”, he says, “but we never dreamed that building a better mousetrap would generate this kind of response.”

When they heard the rumbling of the approaching crowd – “It sounded like a freight train,” says Newton – he and his staff ran to the front window. There they saw the swarming crowd: Red and yellow, black and white, with dress styles varying from colorful robes to wooden shoes.  They were pushing, shoving and falling as they frantically beat a path to the door.

The better trap was 12 years in the making, says Newton, with researchers having first experimented with florescent bait, frightening cat pictures, and recordings of Britney Spears.

The post World Beats Path to Mousetrap Factory Door first appeared on Cubicle F.

“Many of them are moving onto other jobs,” says Jill Timrod of the Ballter Institute, which tracks employment patterns for town drunks, pipe twisters, and 32 other occuptions.    “Mainly they’re going into government, though mechanical engineering is claiming quite a few.”

Ironically, the shortage is coming at a time when it’s easier than ever to qualify for the position.

“You no longer have to go staggering down Main Street in the middle of the night, singing ‘My Wild Irish Rose’ and getting locked up by the sherriff,” says Timrod.  “Today you can qualify with a blood alcohol content of just 0.6.”

Also, she says it’s no longer necessary to be a disheveled older man, and that many younger women are accepting the positions to help pay for their college degrees.

Given the shortage, some cities have taken to sharing their town drunks, which means they have to split the peak hours of 11 PM to 3 AM between two cities. So unless both have a budget for transportation, it means the drunks have to remain sober in order to drive back and forth.

“That’s not an optimal situation,” says Timrod. “The position may be evolving, but the bottom line is that in order to be effective at the job, a town drunk needs to be at least somewhat drunk.”

The post More Michigan Municipalities Seeking to Fill Town Drunk Positions first appeared on Cubicle F.

The marketing plan included targeting women with names like Marlene and Brooke, utilizing digital singing stilettos, and paying actress Elll Sims $60,000 to carry an umbrella for six hours. 

Simone had projected revenue of $8.6 million during the first three months. It ended up being only $7584.02

“She should have come to us first,” says Dex Wheeler, president of Wheeler’s Blowing Tube Persons of Chicago.  As of 2025,  he says, blowing tube persons are recognized as the most effective marketing tool in America by 18 different organizations. 

“People see this giant waving figure in front of the store, blowing and waving, and deep down they know it’s not a real person,” says Wheeler. “But they still stop to make sure.”

Over 80 percent of US businesses now employe blowing tube persons – up from two percent in 2018.  

“My customer base had fallen by 40 percent due to changing condiment habits,” says Polly Reynolds, a salt and pepper shaker maker from Toledo, Ohio. That changed when she rented a tube person. “Now I can’t keep shakers on the shelves,” she says

Newark barber Sol Pitt reports similar results. “I went from four or five cuts a day to being on my feet 12 hour,” he says. “You’d think I personally invented the buzzcut.”

With just $650 left in her ad budget, Simone decided on one last-gasp effort in June: A seven foot blowing inflatable, waving at passersby in front of the store – and wearing a Marie Santel cap.

Sales increased from $1654,67 in June to $10,005,483.44 in July.

The post Inflatable Blowing Tube Persons Ranked USA’s Most Effective Marketing Tool first appeared on Cubicle F.

“Our thoughts are with these employees and we wish them a speedy recovery,” says company spokesperson Molly Seguin. “Their attempt to move the needle, however, was not approved or in compliance with company policy.”

“That’s hogwash,” counters Prof. Roger Follins of the Morpinway Institute. “Companies are constantly telling employees to move the needle, and then when something goes wrong they distance themselves from the process.”

According to Follins, businesses aren’t providing employees with the comprehensive training that’s required to safely and effectively accomplish needle movement.

“There’s a right way and a wrong way,” he says. “And if you don’t know the right way you shouldn’t even be thinking about it!” The lack of training, Follins believes, is the main reason that needle-moving injuries have increased by 75 percent since 2011. “This should be a wake-up call for Polling/Quinn and everyone else,” he says.

In fact, he believes that unless companies act quickly, needle-moving could soon overtake the number one cause of corporate injuries: Placing things on the back burner.

The post Two Hospitalized After Failed Attempt to Move the Needle first appeared on Cubicle F.

Finance VP Mark Swetland called an emergency meeting – during which a number of options were debated, including lying – and just when everyone was about to give up, a cost accountant came up with the “penny tray” strategy

The idea was simple:  Collect enough from the plastic “Take a Penny, Give a Penny” trays at local convenience stores to meet the budget, then return the pennies in February when funds are available.

Upon checking into the legalities of penny trays, the company determined that if one “takes” a penny, there’s no set timetable for “giving” it back. So 267 Silver & Post employees fanned out across the city, collecting 55,600 pennies from 2,304 stores. The funds were deposited in time to meet the budget reporting deadline.

“It was a close call,” says the manager, who notes that careful records were maintained and that employees returned to the same stores the next month and put the pennies back.

While Silver & Post has not had to utilize the strategy since, hundreds of US companies have implemented it when needed.  Amounts taken and given back ranging from as low as $15, to over $10,000 – which required a mobilized force of over 1500.

The post Utilizing the “Penny Tray” Strategy to Meet Budget Goals first appeared on Cubicle F.

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Vice President Joe Pillster was leading the presentation for his long-time employer, the Plowman Group, which was vying to represent parsley-based soft drink maker Meemo. The account is worth $18 million a year.

Also going after Meemo was rival firm UpSteve – which, according to the FBI, bribed Pillster $50,000 and a year’s supply of cinnamon products to deliberately throw the presentation so it would get the account instead.

“I knew something was up as soon as he started,” says a Plowman colleague who attended. “Instead of the flashy power point he always uses, he passed out loose-leaf pages with drawings of stickmen, and sang an off-key song about picking parsley.”

Then he began the presentation. “Is there anything more ridiculous than parsley soda?” he asked, to gasps from the already-puzzled audience.

At that point four FBI agents burst into the room, stopped the presentation, and explained what was going on to the Plowman and Meemo staffs – and also to ten high school students from the “Ad Folks of the Future” club who were there to observe.

While the FBI didn’t divulge how it found out about Joe Pillster, a source says that the UpSteve employee who’d delivered the bribe money experienced some kind of “vision” and tipped them off.

After he was handcuffed, the agents led Pillster out of the hushed conference room. When they were about to exit, one of the students stood up, with tears in his eyes.

“Say it ain’t so, Joe,” he said. “Say it ain’t so.”

The post FBI: Ad Exec Took Bribe to Throw Pitch to Potential Client first appeared on Cubicle F.