As of last April 1, however, the price had dropped to an all-time low of $23.68.

“There are usually external factors you can blame when things like this happen,” says company CFO MaryAnn Plemming.  “In this case, however, we believe the decline was due solely to underperforming staffers who stepped away from the plate.”

Hesitant to terminate any of the staff and lose a combined 12,345 years of experience, on April 15 the company issued the following sanctions – which will remain in place until the January 2023 stock price is reached once again:

• All employee parking spots have been moved to another lot, 1.5 miles away from the office.
• The “Tomato Surprise” – always a favorite in the cafeteria – is no longer a surprise, as its ingredients are now published and displayed at the cash register.
• The annual “Share Your Seasonings at Work” day, usually held in June, is being cancelled. Further, employees must surrender their seasonings until the stock price turns around.
• Women named Judy are not allowed to talk to women named Sally, or to men named George or Austin.
• Every workday, five employees are selected by drawing to stand in the hallway outside the executive offices, with their heads hung in shame.

“We take no pleasure in instituting these measures,” says Plemming, “but we must do what’s necessary for our stockholders, shareholders, stakeholders and all ancillary holders.”

The post Fed Up With an Underperforming Staff, Ohio Firm Imposes Sanctions first appeared on Cubicle F.

Newton had updated its web page an hour earlier to promote its “better mousetrap” – a laser-activated device that emits a high-frequency whistle causing mice to have nervous meltdowns, flee the premises, and go into long-term hiding.

Company officials believe this may have precipitated the stampede.

CEO Tom Newton, great-grandson of founder Edmund Newton, was stunned by the global reaction. “We’ve always built a good mousetrap”, he says, “but we never dreamed that building a better mousetrap would generate this kind of response.”

When they heard the rumbling of the approaching crowd – “It sounded like a freight train,” says Newton – he and his staff ran to the front window. There they saw the swarming crowd: Red and yellow, black and white, with dress styles varying from colorful robes to wooden shoes.  They were pushing, shoving and falling as they frantically beat a path to the door.

The better trap was 12 years in the making, says Newton, with researchers having first experimented with florescent bait, frightening cat pictures, and recordings of Britney Spears.

The post World Beats Path to Mousetrap Factory Door first appeared on Cubicle F.

“Many of them are moving onto other jobs,” says Jill Timrod of the Ballter Institute, which tracks employment patterns for town drunks, pipe twisters, and 32 other occuptions.    “Mainly they’re going into government, though mechanical engineering is claiming quite a few.”

Ironically, the shortage is coming at a time when it’s easier than ever to qualify for the position.

“You no longer have to go staggering down Main Street in the middle of the night, singing ‘My Wild Irish Rose’ and getting locked up by the sherriff,” says Timrod.  “Today you can qualify with a blood alcohol content of just 0.6.”

Also, she says it’s no longer necessary to be a disheveled older man, and that many younger women are accepting the positions to help pay for their college degrees.

Given the shortage, some cities have taken to sharing their town drunks, which means they have to split the peak hours of 11 PM to 3 AM between two cities. So unless both have a budget for transportation, it means the drunks have to remain sober in order to drive back and forth.

“That’s not an optimal situation,” says Timrod. “The position may be evolving, but the bottom line is that in order to be effective at the job, a town drunk needs to be at least somewhat drunk.”

The post More Michigan Municipalities Looking to Fill Town Drunk Positions first appeared on Cubicle F.

Finance VP Mark Swetland called an emergency meeting – during which a number of options were debated, including lying – and just when everyone was about to give up, a cost accountant came up with the “penny tray” strategy

The idea was simple:  Collect enough from the plastic “Take a Penny, Give a Penny” trays at local convenience stores to meet the budget, then return the pennies in February when funds are available.

Upon checking into the legalities of penny trays, the company determined that if one “takes” a penny, there’s no set timetable for “giving” it back. So 267 Silver & Post employees fanned out across the city, collecting 55,600 pennies from 2,304 stores. The funds were deposited in time to meet the budget reporting deadline.

“It was a close call,” says the manager, who notes that careful records were maintained and that employees returned to the same stores the next month and put the pennies back.

While Silver & Post has not had to utilize the strategy since, hundreds of US companies have implemented it when needed.  Amounts taken and given back ranging from as low as $15, to over $10,000 – which required a mobilized force of over 1500.

The post Utilizing the “Penny Tray” Strategy to Meet Budget Goals first appeared on Cubicle F.

The post Gen Z in the Workplace: 13 Things You Should Expect first appeared on Cubicle F.

“We are obviously concerned about the well being of innocent people,“ says Ian Masterson, CEO of the fledgling start-up.  “At the same time, we owe it to our investors to continuously seek ways to increase profitability.”  When it was launched last August, DropDOWN received over $50 million in venture capital funding, plus a year’s supply of toothpaste.

Masterson says the company plans to increase the size of two of each drone’s seven propellers, and to double engine horsepower. These changes are expected to reduce accidents by up to 12 percent.

“Anytime a new system launches one can anticipate there will be growing pains,” says the CEO.  While the company expected some injuries from falling pianos, he acknowledges that it didn’t anticipate there would be overf 100. “We figured 30-40, tops!” he says.

“But remember, there has been a cost to us, too,” he stresses.  “A grand piano is worth over $50,000, and when we drop it that’s on us.”  He believes DropDOWN has been subject to more criticism than is fair for a start-up.

 “Everyone’s talking about the number of people who got hurt,” he says. “What I want to talk about are the 44 pianos we’ve delivered without incident.”

The post Drone Company Promises to Make Piano Delivery Safer first appeared on Cubicle F.

“By expanding into new areas we’re better serving the needs of our stakeholders,” says Workington spokesperson Nehls Fillman, who says the company is also in talks to purchase a flashlight holder maker.

Fillman would not comment on whether Mother Nature’s retirement is her choice, or if she is being forced from the job she has held since 1942 BC.  Before then, individual countries maintained control over their own forces of nature.

“She has worked hard and done her job well,” says Fillman. “She has interests she’s never been able to explore, like reading, sewing and collecting rare pottery. Now she’ll have the time.”

Citing a requirement of her pension, Mother Nature declined to comment for this story.  Fillner says she will remain a part-time consultant for 500 to 1000 years.

“Or at least until this global warming thing blows over,” he says.

The post Mother Nature to Retire, Spokane Conglomerate Will Assume Her Responsibilities first appeared on Cubicle F.

Today, the average is just four – and some have given up their entourages entirely.  

“It’s not about the money,” says Nora Willson, an expert on corporate entourages at Cleveland’s Paxington Institute. “It’s about finding the people to be in them.”

Since the start of the pandemic in 2020, the number of people applying for all positions at US companies has declined by 75 percent.  “When you need a CFO or a suspension analyst,” says Willson, “it’s hard to justify filling an entourage position.”  

Most entourages, she notes, are made up of people with no other responsibilities, available 24 hours a day to make the CEO appear important.  Stakeholders expect them to be in place, and when they’re not the results can be disastrous. 

“Last year I cut my entourage,” says the CEO of a multi-billion dollar polymer developer. “Within four days, our stock price had fallen by 17 percent.”  Stockholders took it at as a sign that bad times were coming, she says, so she had no choice but to re-start .

“The stock’s on its way back up,” she says. “Thank God!”

But many companies don’t have such flexibility.

“I had five people for over 20 years but now I need pattern appraisers,” says a transformative CEO who disbanded his entourage  a couple months ago. While he was able to fill the appraiser positions, he feels he isn’t getting as much respect.

“Last week a route planner parked in my designated spot,” he says. “I fear that’s just the beginning.”

The post Executive Entourages Have Shrunk by Average of 66 percent Since 2018 first appeared on Cubicle F.

“We look forward to taking Detroit’s salt shaking experience to a whole new level,” founder and namesake Jimmy Phipps, 29, said in a press release.

The dispensers start at $699 each, with high-end models going for as much as $15,000.

Phipps founded his first store in Brooklyn, NY in 2017 and was named one of Mopple magazine’s 25,000 Under 25 a year later. Today the chain boasts locations in 28 US cities, primarily targeting people in their 20s and 30s.  Phipps shakers can be found everywhere from Cabreeze’s Artisan Mackerel Shop on San Francisco’s Wharf to the living room of rapper Big Bigger Biggest.

Laura Hollinger, a non-profit facilitator who lives in a Corktown Detroit loft, plans to be first in line the day the store opens. “I’ve saved three years for this,” she says, adding that she plans to buy one shaker in 2026, and another – finances permitting – in 2027.

Two Detroit restaurants have also contracted to go exclusively Phipps: Madelyn’s in Midtown, which specializes in mint-braised quasi-meats and AllBroth, scheduled to open in June in what’s being called an “authentic neighborhood” on Detroit’s west side.

The post Jimmy Phipps to Open Salt Shaker Store in Downtown Detroit first appeared on Cubicle F.

From the US Association of Micro-Management, here are six tips for keeping skills sharp:

• The micro-managing standard of asking employees for a project update every 97 minutes is no longer sufficient. Never allow more than 88 minutes to pass between requests, and work toward 85. Likewise, if you are only explaining things six times you should immediately increase this to seven, with the ultimate goal of ten.
• Before employees go to lunch, spend five minutes with them to review potential menu options. While acknowledging that you understand they may have their own food preferences, make it clear that your preference is for them to consume healthy fare like grains and lettuce.
• Eliminate phrases like “What do you think?” and “Give me your feedback!” from your vocabulary. While well intended, they take up time you could be using to provide more detailed instructions.
• If staffers use the expression “to sum things up,” let them know you prefer, “at the end of the day.” Or vice versa.
• Once a month, take the time to discretely follow employees as they run personal errands – shopping, trips to dry cleaners, etc. Afterward, schedule a meeting to suggest procedures that might improve their efficiency.
• Make sure everyone is focused on minute details, and that they never look at the big picture. To ensure this, remove all big pictures from the workplace.

The post Becoming a More Effective Micro-Manager first appeared on Cubicle F.