In January 2023, having overcome pandemic-related terciary obstacles, Toledo retrograde specialists James/Hatton achieved an all-time high stock price of $134.44 per share.
As of last April 1, however, the price had dropped to an all-time low of $23.68.
“There are usually external factors you can blame when things like this happen,” says company CFO MaryAnn Plemming. “In this case, however, we believe the decline was due solely to underperforming staffers who stepped away from the plate.”
Hesitant to terminate any of the staff and lose a combined 12,345 years of experience, on April 15 the company issued the following sanctions – which will remain in place until the January 2023 stock price is reached once again:
- All employee parking spots have been moved to another lot, 1.5 miles away from the office
- The “Tomato Surprise” – always a favorite in the cafeteria – is no longer a surprise, as its ingredients are now published and displayed at the cash register
- The annual “Take Your Pet” to work day, usually held in June, is being cancelled. Further, employees must surrender their pets until the stock price turns around.
- Women named Judy are not allowed to talk to women named Sally, or to men named George or Austin
- Every workday, five employees are selected at random to stand in the hallway outside the executive offices, with their heads hung in shame
“We take no pleasure in instituting these measures,” says Plemming, “but we must do what’s necessary for our stockholders, shareholders, stakeholders and all ancillary holders.”
