St. Paul retro-brokers Hollings Inc. launched such a department in late 2018 – though it still hasn’t given it a name for fear of upsetting any of its 21 members, or anyone else.   

“We applaud their deciding that talking is no longer a viable option for them,” says company spokesperson Davis Devan.  “And we are committed to providing them a safe environment and the opportunity to earn a livelihood.”  The group passes its workdays reading, watching television, and performing simple work-related tasks when the need arises. Mainly, they just don’t talk.

The reasons they’ve stopped vary, says Devan. One stock conveyor quit when she was reported to HR for saying she was “in the dog house.”  A decimalist stopped after being reprimanded for offering a doughnut to a colleague who hadn’t asked for one. Many haven’t had any specific issues, but are just scared.

Devan estimates there will be over 100 in the department by the end of 2023. Since Holling employs only 130 in total, this will place added pressure on the other 30.  “Those who utilize the spoken word will become even more essential to our success,” he says.

Accordingly, the company is looking at incentives for its talkers, including extra vacation days, prime parking spots, and complimentary mints – though out of consideration for non-talkers, says Devan, the same benefits will be offered to them as well. 

The post Businesses Designating Departments For Employees Too Afraid to Speak first appeared on Cubicle F.

As of last April 1, however, the price had dropped to an all-time low of $23.68.

“There are usually external factors you can blame when things like this happen,” says company CFO MaryAnn Plemming.  “In this case, however, we believe the decline was due solely to underperforming staffers who stepped away from the plate.”

Hesitant to terminate any of the staff and lose a combined 12,345 years of experience, on April 15 the company issued the following sanctions – which will remain in place until the January 2023 stock price is reached once again:

• All employee parking spots have been moved to another lot, 1.5 miles away from the office.
• The “Tomato Surprise” – always a favorite in the cafeteria – is no longer a surprise, as its ingredients are now published and displayed at the cash register.
• The annual “Share Your Seasonings at Work” day, usually held in June, is being cancelled. Further, employees must surrender their seasonings until the stock price turns around.
• Women named Judy are not allowed to talk to women named Sally, or to men named George or Austin.
• Every workday, five employees are selected by drawing to stand in the hallway outside the executive offices, with their heads hung in shame.

“We take no pleasure in instituting these measures,” says Plemming, “but we must do what’s necessary for our stockholders, shareholders, stakeholders and all ancillary holders.”

The post Fed Up With an Underperforming Staff, Ohio Firm Imposes Sanctions first appeared on Cubicle F.

On September 15, the American Packaging Institute certified the hard plastic cover on P & W’s Aunt Annie’s Twin Flashlights as Guaranteed Un-Openable – based on the fact that nobody has been able to get at the flashlights since they were introduced in June of 2023.

Companies across the globe have spent billions trying to reach this two-year milestone, the point at which a package is certified un-openable. They’ve utilized increasingly thicker layers of plastic, solid zinc fasteners, Alabama-based gluing compounds, and more. The average American now spends 42.3 days per year trying to open cookies, microwave ovens, and other products.

“More than once we thought we’d make the two years,” says P & W’s CEO Mel Cranston.  “But then some guy in Quincy, Illinois would figure out how to open the pickle forks or ice tongs.”

The best attempt until now was by the Niesenfraus Group of Dusseldorf, Germany, whose package for Whitfield Tea remained un-openable for 23 months and 27 days in 1991. It was just about to be certified when a thirsty resident of Dayton, Ohio managed to pry it open using a four-foot hatchet, beeswax and silicon-based explosives.

Meanwhile, sales for the twin flashlights have risen 35 percent each of the past two years – apparently unaffected by the fact that nobody has yet been able to use one.

The post Finally! Product Packaging That Absolutely Nobody Can Get Open first appeared on Cubicle F.

The situation has created an opportunity for Prattman Inc., the USA’s largest manufacturer of chopping blocks. As recently as 2008, the company was making only about 15,000 a year, compared to 17.5 million today.

“If a chopping block in the mid 90s could accommodate five heads it was considered state of the art,” says Prattman CEO Monique Williker. “Today if it doesn’t hold 35 there’s usually a waiting list to get one’s head onto it.”

Most of the company’s business is making standardized models for 20, 30 or 40 heads. However, it has made one that holds just two, for a Cincinnati baker, and one for 10,000, ordered by an intricacies conglomerate Williker refuses to name.

It’s not unusual, says Williker, for companies to spend $1 million or more on a chopping block  – like one for the Touline Group of Toledo, Ohio. Carved from North Carolina Walnut with a zirconite trim, it will be unveiled next month at a ceremony for all employees in the company’s main lobby.

“Updating your chopping block scenario sends a message to both shareholders and employees that your company can adapt to change,” says Williker. “That’s good for your image and good for morale.”

The post As Number of Heads on Them Keeps Growing, Production of Chopping Blocks Soars first appeared on Cubicle F.

The $4.5 quadrillion project, spearheaded by Philmore Digital and targeted for a 2038 opening, would take up all of the state’s 662,000 acres – hosting 8.7 million A.I. applications and also storing recipes for the Pillsbury company. 

While 1600s-era domain laws empower the assembly to approve the project without putting it to a public vote, some residents are nonetheless concerned about what will become of them.

“Nobody has told us where we’re supposed to go,” says Jean Phipps, who has lived in Pawtucket all of her 71 years. “And they haven’t said what we’re supposed do do once we get there.”

Philmore CEO Laureen Foley insists that state’s 1.1 million residents have nothing to worry about.  “Wyoming and Nebraska have both said they’d welcome them with open arms,” she says, “and we’re waiting for  call back from Saskatchewan.”

Foley also dismisses concerns about the 17 trillion gallons of water per day the center will require to power its 548 billion gigabytes.

“It’s all coming from the Atlantic Ocean,” she says, “which our research tells us is an ocean with far more water than it needs.”

To honor Rhode Island’s history as one of the 13 original US colonies, Philmore will set aside 7.3 acres for the relocation of historic sites including the Breakers mansion, Truro Synagogue, and a portion of Roger Williams State Park. (The company is reserving the right to take the acres back if they’re needed for expansion down the line.)

“We’re kind of learning as we go,” says Foley. “This is our first state, but I’m pretty confident it won’t be our last.”

The post State of Rhode Island May Soon be Replaced by Enormous Data Center first appeared on Cubicle F.

The curtain rises on 36 actors who go by numbers instead of names, seated in a circle. Two at a time – then four, then six, etc. – they take to the giant game board painted with large circles of varying colors. The show winds down three hours later, after a breathtaking 42 different numbers.

That’s a lot of songs for one show – and while it may have worked somewhere else, the problem with a game-board show is that too many of the songs involve the same concept:  Right Hand Purple, Left Foot Blue and Don’t Kick My Leg Off the Yellow sound pretty much the same, for instance.

There are exceptions:  The lovely Sally Cloverland (Number 6) singing Hoping and Praying He Won’t Tumble – as she’s poised nervously under 300 pound Number 33.  And Jerry Fillip (Number 22) singing the plaintive My Green’s Your Blue generated a few sniffles in the middle of the second act.  

Word from the road:  As their last two shows – Up from DesMoines and Mechanical Mary – closed after six and two performances, respectively,  Alvierro and St. Marie-Vance desperately need a hit.  Since so far no critics in Pittsburgh have been able to sit through an entire performance, this may not be it.  

The post Twister the Musical Struggling in Pittsburgh first appeared on Cubicle F.

“It’s a chance for our people to see the different sides of Ms. Rankin,” says HR Director Tom Mosberg.  “Our research team has determined that she has 18 different sides.”

One employee is selected each month by a committee of 17 managers from across the company, who review personnel files and other data before narrowing the field to five finalists.  The five are interviewed, as are their bosses, then asked to submit a 2000 word essay on why they are deserving of the honor.

One staffer is ultimately chosen – and then the preparation begins.  Ten days before the dinner, two HR managers who work full time on the program visit the employees’s home for a preliminary inspection.  They recommend any modifications that need to take place – cleaning, painting, removal of offensive artwork, etc. 

“They’ll come back at least two more times,” says Mosberg, “so that they can go over potential conversational topics, and also impress upon any children the importance of the occasion and what it means to their mom’s or dad’s career.” 

Dinner and wines are provided by Ms. Rankin’s personal chef and sommelier, with the family paying only 50 percent of the cost.

Says accountant Janet Wallsburg, who’s family was visited in March:  “It was an absolutely wonderful experience with the finest in dining and conversation and Ms. Rankin couldn’t have been more genial to me and my family as she showed us her different sides.”  

“Everyone else has been equally effusive!” says Mosberg – with the exception of the January honoree, he acknowledges, who was dismissed two days after the dinner

“That decision was based entirely on performance,” he insists – and not on the fact that the family’s teacup poodle, Tippy, relieved itself on Ms. Rankin’s $4500 Louboutins.

The post Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? For Some Lucky People, it Could be the CEO! first appeared on Cubicle F.

Starting February 1, 2026, the act of relieving oneself will also be improved as PoopGPT becomes available for purchase.

“The US businessperson faces many challenges during the course of a workday,” says Shirley Addison, CEO of TruckPile, which developed the software.  “By far the most inefficient and unpleasant is the act of going to the restroom.”

PoopGPT will change all that, she says – not just managing and scheduling, but actually taking over the physical act itself. 

“What was once considered unpleasant and a nuisance, really, will become as routine and enjoyable as sending an email or updating a timeline,” says Addison.

The program was tested at 20 companies across the US for three. months last spring, and the results were largely even better than anticipated.

“There was some resistance to AI getting itself involved in such a personal process,” says Darren Hoostra, HR Director at Hansen/Weeks Chicago, one of the test sites.  “But after just three or four days the staff was noticeably less stressed and perkier, and even walked with more of a spring in their steps. 

There was also an upswing  in productivity, since personnel were spending  67 percent less time on the process and could devote more attention to strategies and task forces.  

Hansen/Weeks has also projected an annual savings of $104,000, based on having to purchase fewer tissue rolls, soap products, and deodorizers. 

The post A.I. Will Take Over Another Daily Task With the Launch of PoopGPT first appeared on Cubicle F.

“While we have enormous respect for people who want to live longer, we also realize there are those who aren’t as concerned,” says Jernican, 37, who recently left her job as a bank identifier to start the farm with high school friend Sanford. “Consumption of doughnuts is growing at twice the rate of sunchoke,” says Jernican. “Consumption of sprinkled doughnuts is growing even more.”

Adds former artifactician Sanford: “The cost of sprinkles has driven dozens of doughnut shops out of business, so our goal is to provide a locally-grown and great-tasting sprinkle at a reasonable price.” The two have vowed not to cut corners, but say they may have to place limits on red sprinkles to keep costs under control. “Research tells us they’re the least popular sprinkle anyhow,” says Sanford,

This will be the city’s first sprinkles farm – though three are growing butterscotch toppings and one grows miniature peanut butter cups – so Jernican and Sanford say they’re counting on local retailers for support.

The post Detroit Urban Farm Growing Doughnut Sprinkles for Artisan Shops first appeared on Cubicle F.

At Priticom, a Midwest formulation consortium, the company determined in January that it wouldn’t be able to give CEO Martin Groenig his anticipated increase and still provide shareholders with a 76 percent return.

So employees agreed to raise the money themselves. Thanks to their efforts, Groenig will receive a 20 percent raise – taking him from $32.4 million to $38.9.

“It gives you a warm feeling to help a person out,” says Tina Weemson, a financial alterations specialist.  “It was an amazing team effort.”

Weemson organized three department bake sales that raised over $1600. Other activities included car washes, bingo nights, casual clothes days, and a karaoke night at a nearby club that featured only Groenig’s favorite songs.

Employees who were unable to take part in fundraising activities were allowed to take a pay cut of from 4 to 10 percent, or to surrender vacation days.

“Participation was completely optional,” says Priticom spokesperson Melanie Roy. “There was no coercion in any way.”   She says that Groenig is receiving a list of everyone who donated so he can send them individualized thank-you notes. “He has always been a person who cares about his employees.”

“I’m proud of our accomplishment,” says employee Weemson, who concedes that the only time she’s ever seen Groenig was when his limo pulled alongside her Ford Fiesta.  “He nodded to me,” she says.

“And let’s not loose sight of the fact that Mr. Groenig is making a sacrifice, too,” says Roy. “Last year he got 25 percent.”

The post SUCCESS! Employees Celebrate Raising Funds to Give CEO 20% Raise first appeared on Cubicle F.