St. Paul retro-brokers Hollings Inc. launched such a department in late 2018 – though it still hasn’t given it a name for fear of upsetting any of its 21 members, or anyone else.   

“We applaud their deciding that talking is no longer a viable option for them,” says company spokesperson Davis Devan.  “And we are committed to providing them a safe environment and the opportunity to earn a livelihood.”  The group passes its workdays reading, watching television, and performing simple work-related tasks when the need arises. Mainly, they don’t talk.

The reasons they’ve stopped vary, says Devan. One stock conveyor quit when she was reported to HR for saying she was “in the dog house.”  A decimalist stopped after being reprimanded for offering a doughnut to a colleague who hadn’t asked for one. Many haven’t had any specific issues, but are just scared.

Devan estimates there will be over 100 in the department by the end of 2023. Since Holling employs only 130 in total, this will place added pressure on the other 30.  “Those who utilize the spoken word will become even more essential to our success,” he says.

Accordingly, the company is looking at incentives for its talkers, including extra vacation days, prime parking spots, and complimentary mints – though out of consideration for non-talkers, says Devan, the same benefits will be offered to them as well. 

The post Businesses Designating Departments For Employees Too Afraid to Speak first appeared on Cubicle F.

The situation has created an opportunity for Prattman Inc., the USA’s largest manufacturer of chopping blocks. As recently as 2008, the company was making only about 15,000 a year, compared to 17.5 million today.

“If a chopping block in the mid 90s could accommodate five heads it was considered state of the art,” says Prattman CEO Monique Williker. “Today if it doesn’t hold 35 there’s usually a waiting list to get one’s head onto it.”

Most of the company’s business is making standardized models for 20, 30 or 40 heads. However, it has made one that holds just two, for a Cincinnati baker, and one for 10,000, ordered by an intricacies conglomerate Williker refuses to name.

It’s not unusual, says Williker, for companies to spend $1 million or more on a chopping block  – like one for the Touline Group of Toledo, Ohio. Carved from North Carolina Walnut with a zirconite trim, it will be unveiled next month at a ceremony for all employees in the company’s main lobby.

“Updating your chopping block scenario sends a message to both shareholders and employees that your company can adapt to change,” says Williker. “That’s good for your image and good for morale.”

The post As Number of Heads on Them Increase, Production of Chopping Blocks Soars first appeared on Cubicle F.

Starting February 1, 2026, the act of relieving oneself will also be improved as PoopGPT becomes available for purchase.

“The US businessperson faces many challenges during the course of a workday,” says Shirley Addison, CEO of TruckPile, which developed the software.  “By far the most inefficient and unpleasant is the act of going to the restroom.”

PoopGPT will change all that, she says – not just managing and scheduling, but actually taking over the physical act itself. 

“What was once considered unpleasant and a nuisance, really, will become as routine and enjoyable as sending an email or updating a timeline,” says Addison.

The program was tested at 20 companies across the US for three. months last spring, and the results were largely even better than anticipated.

“There was some resistance to AI getting itself involved in such a personal process,” says Darren Hoostra, HR Director at Hansen/Weeks Chicago, one of the test sites.  “But after just three or four days the staff was noticeably less stressed and perkier, and even walked with more of a spring in their steps. 

There was also an upswing  in productivity, since personnel were spending  67 percent less time on the process and could devote more attention to strategies and task forces.  

Hansen/Weeks has also projected an annual savings of $104,000, based on having to purchase fewer tissue rolls, soap products, and deodorizers. 

The post A.I. Will Take Over Another Daily Task With the Launch of PoopGPT first appeared on Cubicle F.

On September 15, the American Packaging Institute certified the hard plastic cover on P & W’s Aunt Annie’s Twin Flashlights as Guaranteed Un-Openable – based on the fact that nobody has been able to get at the flashlights since they were introduced in June of 2023.

Companies across the globe have spent billions trying to reach this two-year milestone, the point at which a package is certified un-openable. They’ve utilized increasingly thicker layers of plastic, solid zinc fasteners, Alabama-based gluing compounds, and more. The average American now spends 42.3 days per year trying to open cookies, microwave ovens, and other products.

“More than once we thought we’d make the two years,” says P & W’s CEO Mel Cranston.  “But then some guy in Quincy, Illinois would figure out how to open the pickle forks or ice tongs.”

The best attempt until now was by the Niesenfraus Group of Dusseldorf, Germany, whose package for Whitfield Tea remained un-openable for 23 months and 27 days in 1991. It was just about to be certified when a thirsty resident of Dayton, Ohio managed to pry it open using a four-foot hatchet, beeswax and silicon-based explosives.

Meanwhile, sales for the twin flashlights have risen 35 percent each of the past two years – apparently unaffected by the fact that nobody has yet been able to use one.

The post Finally! Product Packaging That Absolutely Nobody Can Get Open first appeared on Cubicle F.

Set in 1972, the new show is based on the character Sam Drucker, proprietor of the general store in the sitcoms “Green Acres” and “Petticoat Junction.”  After solving a soybean heist in Hooterville, Drucker has decided to become a full time crime fighter. He sells the store to handyman Eb Dawson and moves to Kansas City, where he goes up against a mob of gangsters headed by Mort “The Menace” Miller (an aptly sinister G. Leo Hall).     

“He may be a country storekeeper, but Drucker has big city savvy,” says show runner Donna O’Brien.  She and creative partner Sheila Trombley started developing the show two years ago, following the cancellation of the Plunk network’s “Cleo and the Choir,” which they created in 2017.    

Nimble released the first three episodes of “Drucker” three weeks ago – there are ten in season one – and the critics have been plenty enthusiastic:

• “The fact that Drucker always wears a shopkeeper’s visor, even when he’s fighting gangsters, says something about this man,” wrote Sandy Fritsch in the January 2 issue of Montezuma.  “What it says is that no matter how many bad guys he puts away, he’s not going to forget that little town with the Cannonball train and Shady Rest Hotel.”
• “Carson Clemmons is truly Sam Drucker,” the New York Compendium’s Monica Teller wrote on January 4.  “Not since Robert Redford played Dan Rather in 2015’s “Truth” has a performer melded so flawlessly into another character.”

Clemmons, who co-starred in Nimble’s 2018-22 “Toothpaste Wars” before “Psychopathish,” reportedly won the Drucker role over 200 other young actors – including Jimmy Coleman, who’d just completed a six season run playing the Hubcap Man in “Thank You for What?”

 “You could have knocked me over with a broom,” says Clemmons. “These parts always go to Jimmy or Alex (Peterberg, of “Unsung Singer”).  Clemmons is too young to remember Drucker’s original sitcoms, and admits he never watched their reruns on Nickelodeon.  “But I did know about the talking pig,” he says.  

That pig, Arnold Ziffel, doesn’t actually talk, of course, but rather communicates with oinks and grunts that certain humans seem to understand.  He’ll be featured in an upcoming episode, in which he sniffs out some counterfeit 20s the Miller gang has hidden. “I can’t really say any more,” says Clemmons, “except this is a different Arnold Ziffel than fans might remember.”  

O’Brien says other characters – or at least a version of them – will show up, too.

 “The Mr. Haney character didn’t go over with test audiences,” she says, “so we’ve replaced Eustace Haney with Eunice Haney.” Played by Syd Callings of “Seventh Day Adventists,” Eunice will come to Kansas City in episode six and end up helping Drucker disengage a cluster bomb. 

Also, one of the three daughters from “Petticoat Junction” – O’Brien doesn’t say which one – will seek out Drucker to help her kick a steroids addiction.

At 32, six feet-four, and with thick black hair, Carson Clemmons bears little resemblance to the actor who played the 1960s Sam Drucker. Frank Cady was shorter, bald, and in his late 50s.  “I guess it’s something about poetic license,” says Clemmons.  “And I guess it’s not about whether you have hair or not.”

O’Brien says that Nimble has been extremely supportive of the project.  “We asked them to re-build the Hooterville sets just for the first episode,” she says. “It cost them $15 million and they didn’t blink an eye.”  (CBS, the shows’ original network, had unfortunately sold the hotel, store and train sets to a Dutch conglomerate that planned to use them as part of a theme park that never materialized.)

“The only thing we went back and forth on was the catchphrase,” says O’Brien. She and Trombley have avoided catchprashes since their experience with 2009’s “Snake Lady” – when crooked CPA Sally Remson’s “Ditch the books, pass the pasta!” offended a national accounting organization, which then picketed outside ABC headquarters until the phrase was dropped.  

But citing the success of “Tase me with a taser!” from “Kitchenette Confidential” and “Formaldehyde, baby!” from “Laid Out,” Nimble insisted.  So O’Brien and Trombley came up with “We’re up to our nostrils!” 

“This is basically a comedic element,” says O’Brien.  “Everyone expects you to be up to your ass or your eyeballs, not your nostrils.” Different body parts were tested with over 50 focus groups, she says, and she’s confident the phrase will catch on with the public  “We’ve got people on the streets listening for it,” she says. “And we’ll be ready.”

Nimble has yet to renew “Drucker” for a second season, but O’Brien is confident that’ll happen soon.  “Once they see what happens between Mort Miller and the ballerina in Episode 8,” she says, “I think that’ll pretty much seal the deal.” 

The post “Drucker” – Starring Carson Clemmons – Makes Three Hits in a Row for Nimble Network first appeared on Cubicle F.

As of last April 1, however, the price had dropped to an all-time low of $23.68.

“There are usually external factors you can blame when things like this happen,” says company CFO MaryAnn Plemming.  “In this case, however, we believe the decline was due solely to underperforming staffers who stepped away from the plate.”

Hesitant to terminate any of the staff and lose a combined 12,345 years of experience, on April 15 the company issued the following sanctions – which will remain in place until the January 2023 stock price is reached once again:

• All employee parking spots have been moved to another lot, 1.5 miles away from the office
• The “Tomato Surprise” – always a favorite in the cafeteria – is no longer a surprise, as its ingredients are now published and displayed at the cash register
• The annual “Take Your Pet” to work day, usually held in June, is being cancelled. Further, employees must surrender their pets until the stock price turns around.
• Women named Judy are not allowed to talk to women named Sally, or to men named George or Austin
• Every workday, five employees are selected at random to stand in the hallway outside the executive offices, with their heads hung in shame

“We take no pleasure in instituting these measures,” says Plemming, “but we must do what’s necessary for our stockholders, shareholders, stakeholders and all ancillary holders.”

The post Fed Up With an Underperforming Staff, Ohio Firm Imposes Sanctions first appeared on Cubicle F.

“While we have enormous respect for people who want to live longer, we also realize there are those who aren’t as concerned,” says Jernican, 37, who recently left her job as a bank identifier to start the farm with high school friend Sanford. “Consumption of doughnuts is growing at twice the rate of sunchoke,” says Jernican. “Consumption of sprinkled doughnuts is growing even more.”

Adds former artifactician Sanford: “The cost of sprinkles has driven dozens of doughnut shops out of business, so our goal is to provide a locally-grown and great-tasting sprinkle at a reasonable price.” The two have vowed not to cut corners, but say they may have to place limits on red sprinkles to keep costs under control. “Research tells us they’re the least popular sprinkle anyhow,” says Sanford,

This will be the city’s first sprinkles farm – though three are growing butterscotch toppings and one grows miniature peanut butter cups – so Jernican and Sanford say they’re counting on local retailers for support.

The post Detroit Urban Farm Growing Doughnut Sprinkles for Artisan Shops first appeared on Cubicle F.

The librettist, Pam Winters is a hot property right now. Her book for Seat of His Pants was nominated for a Clappy in 2018, and she co-wrote the Monica Rooney vehicle Girl in the Middle with Leona Fuller in 2020. (The latter ran for for 987 performances, even after Rooney suddenly refused to sing the Act 1 finale, Stay Away From Stanley, and was replaced by Sheila Feller)

The songwriting team of Sid Palmer and Al Rice hasn’t been so lucky.  Don’t Blame the Gypsy ran for three performances in 2013. Six years later, Theodore! – based on Leave it to Beaver – closed after just two when Willie Pitts, who played Eddie Haskell, got the lead in the sit-com,  Who’s That Barista? .  (Pitts’ Good Morning, Mrs. Cleaver, My That Broach Looks Great on You was given to Hal Sims, who played Lumpy Rutherford, which didn’t help)

Most involved with Morey are wildly enthused about the project – particularly citing the act two eleven o’clock number: Madam, They Call it a Cello!

It’s also been reported that during a recent rehearsal producer Solly Weiner stopped the company in the middle of a first act tap routine to berate a clumsy chorus girl.  “You’ll never work in this town again!” he yelled, reportedly the first time that line has actually been spoken outside TV and the movies.

Hopefully such behavior can be attributed to a bad case of jitters, and the show will be the success everyone’s predicting. 

The post New Morey Amsterdam Musical Set to Open at NYC’s Goldman Theatre Next Week first appeared on Cubicle F.

A) An office coffee club is much like organized crime. Once you’re in, you’re in. You don’t get out until they say you’re out. And working from home won’t change that.

When people even try to quit, it usually doesn’t turn out well for them – so consider yourself fortunate…so far.  One man in Missouri asked about leaving, and two days later he was arrested for stealing his neighbor’s French Horn. Though there was no evidence, he was convicted and served six years.  A woman from Moline who wrote a resignation note was supposed to meet her husband for dinner that same night. She never showed up, and he didn’t hear from her until four years later when she called him from Paris, where she’d gotten a chorus job with the Folies Bergere.  The list goes on.

Our advice: Keep paying the dues. Nothing says you have to drink the coffee.

Your Mentor, Dr. Miles Miller, holds a PhD in managerial logistics from Fordham University, where he has served on the faculty since 1978, specializing in pre-conceptualizations.

Send your questions to Mentor@cubiclef.com.

The post Once You’re in the Coffee Club, You’re Always in the Coffee Club first appeared on Cubicle F.

Finance VP Mark Swetland called an emergency meeting – during which a number of options were debated, including lying – and just when everyone was about to give up, a cost accountant came up with the “penny tray” strategy

The idea was simple:  Collect enough from the plastic “Take a Penny, Give a Penny” trays at local convenience stores to meet the budget, then return the pennies in February when funds are available.

Upon checking into the legalities of penny trays, the company determined that if one “takes” a penny, there’s no set timetable for “giving” it back. So 267 Silver & Post employees fanned out across the city, collecting 55,600 pennies from 2,304 stores. The funds were deposited in time to meet the budget reporting deadline.

“It was a close call,” says the manager, who notes that careful records were maintained and that employees returned to the same stores the next month and put the pennies back.

While Silver & Post has not had to utilize the strategy since, hundreds of US companies have implemented it when needed.  Amounts taken and given back ranging from as low as $15, to over $10,000 – which required a mobilized force of over 1500.

The post Utilizing the “Penny Tray” Strategy to Meet Budget Goals first appeared on Cubicle F.